When my soul is grey and nothing makes sense anymore...
I’m on top and don’t know where else to go.
Where many shadows are, there is light as well.
I’m running to you; I won’t forget you.
‘Cause you know me and my real face.
- - - - - - - -
Their fight lasted for over an hour now and no one could tell who would emerge victorious. Anakin merciless attacked his former Master who was forced to defend himself. During short breaks between their fighting the young Sith Lord carefully watched Obi-Wan’s face, trying to read something behind the concentrated features.
Anakin was fighting for good, he was sure! How could his former Master not understand that? The Republic was good, the Chancellor was good, Anakin was good… so Obi-Wan was bad? That didn’t make sense. The last ten years of his life Obi-Wan had been representing only kindness and understanding for the young Jedi, his Master had been his paragon – and now he should be the bad one?
Anakin shoved the disturbing thoughts aside. First of all Obi-Wan was here to kill him, that was the only thing that counted. Just as Anakin was launching into a well-directed blow Obi-Wan jumped backwards onto the superior bank of the lava river.
His former Master was superior once again. Anakin felt the anger growing inside him. Why had it always had been like this? Always after having been training with his Master Anakin had been the one lying defeated on the floor. It wasn’t right – it wasn’t fair! He, Anakin, was the chosen one! No one was better than him!
Filled with rage Anakin jumped off of the droid they have been fighting on, trying to land higher up on the bank than his former Master had. He wanted to do this, to outdo the older Jedi one last time, but Obi-Wan’s lightsabre glided in a fast, surprising movement through his legs and his real arm, cutting them off.
With a pained scream, Anakin fell at the elder Jedi’s feet, the sudden pain seeming to clear his rage-fogged mind.
Abruptly, he became aware of what had happened within the last few hours… but it was the final event that filled him with the most shock. He was trying to kill Obi-Wan. Anakin forced himself to look up at his closest friend’s face, seeing only a mix of disgust and disappointment in it.
Obi-Wan stood there, just looking down at Anakin without saying a word, making the younger man wonder how he could have let all this happen. He had betrayed the people who had believed in him and his abilities. Most importantly, he had betrayed Obi-Wan, who would rather die than stab Anakin in the back. The Jedi Master had always tried to understand his stubborn Padawan, and had known everything about him. And this had been Anakin’s way of thanking him, of repaying all the time Obi-Wan had selflessly spent with him.
Had he forgotten everything his Master had told him? Everything they had experienced together? Every feeling he had had for his one and only friend? What had happened to the friendly little boy who had fallen in love with his Master?
“I’m so sorry…”
He barely realised that he was speaking. Hot tears, caused by the pain, ran down his cheeks. Not the physical pain, but the mental grief. Obi-Wan knelt down next to him, his eyes full of sadness.
He had wanted power, he had wanted strength, and he had wanted influence; all wishes caused by being permanently underestimated. But most of all his desire had been to impress Obi-Wan.
And he had failed.
Anakin’s body felt numb, the pain receding from him. His heart was bleeding, broken, and the young Jedi cried tears of regret. Carefully, Obi-Wan reached out his hand to gently touch Anakin’s cheek.
“Why Anakin?” His voice trembled.
The younger man tried to speak, but no sound came from his throat. Obi-Wan continued distressfully.
“You were like a brother to me. I loved you.” Obi-Wan turned his head away.
Anakin closed his eyes as those words crashed into his confused and exhausted mind. He remembered what it was like to feel his Master’s soft hands caressing his shoulders after a hard day. What it was like to sit and wait for his Master to return from a solo mission. How had he forgotten his own feelings towards Obi-Wan? How had he forgotten everything?
But there was no way back any more. Not after what he had done. It was too late to think about it, too late to regret.
Anakin looked into his Master’s eyes, seeing that the greyish-green of them was covered in glowing tears. He had disappointed him. His Master would never be proud of him. Anakin was an object of shame for all the Jedi; he was an object of shame for his Master. There was only one thing that Anakin could do to make the life of his former Master better. The decision wasn’t that hard, he just needed to collect all of his remaining power in order to sound determined.
“Bring it to an end, Master Obi-Wan. Please.”
Carefully, Obi-Wan turned the boy onto his back. The Jedi Master didn’t say anything; his sad eyes filled with understanding, expressing everything he was feeling. Slowly, he put the shaft of his lightsabre to Anakin’s heart, one finger on the button.
Anakin smiled a faint, light smile. He felt forgiven by his Master.
Obi-Wan pushed the button.
- - - - - - - - - - -
You remind me of loving,
I can see who I really am.
You remind me of how it used to be
When my soul is grey and nothing makes sense anymore.
I’m on top and don’t want to be anywhere else.